It has been a long time coming.

Malik

I'm glad I have u. beautiful eyes. great smile. the best body ever. a dancer. and best of all. my girl

I love that I can joke with u too hahha an we talk about rediculous shit and it's okay

4:55pmMe

i think you just made my day with all that. :]

4:56pmMalik

it's the truth. I love it all. and most of all I love you.

I feel used...

&& disgusting.

Just when you thought you had me pulled in I remembered my past & realized not to let my guard down.

Maybe that's why you didn't get to me & Trey did. I learned from my mistakes. He was a long time ago. You are now. You are now off my list of crushes because after last night you are going no where near third base with me.

You need to learn the word, "no" just as an animal needs to. My dog can do better than you at that.
Respectable guys. Where are they?

Everything Hurts

Physically & emotionally. I know this is what I wanted and needed. Being single & alone. Independence, not dependence. I can not help, but think & wonder if I will ever find someone that makes me as happy as Caleb did.

Not that this entry means I want Caleb back because I don't. We were incompatible for a reason. I love him unconditionally because that is just how I feel about most people I was or are close to.

I am not gonna lie though, I do want that butterfly feeling & when I see him & feel then I will know.

For once.

Until then, I can wait.
:]

I will never be good enough for you

Lets face it.

I am good enough for a hook-up, but not a relationship. I hate you! I despise you!
You used me. At least that's how I feel.
How could you? How could you just go and be with someone else who you barely even know. A girl that remotely caught your attention, but that was never me. I am shocked, upset, annoyed, angry, etc. etc.

I can't believe you! That is the only thing I find myself saying.

What the fuck! Why do I even care? I shouldn't because you treated me like shit.
You were the last guy I actually had butterflies and fucking emotions for. Like those "falling for you" emotions! I am so jealous of her and I shouldn't be because you are a piece of shit. I always stuck up for your ass to my friends that disliked you, I would sneak out saying I was elsewhere just to be with you, I would make snacks, watch movies, do all that little couple shit for you.

I put too much effort into our meaningless relationship. It wasn't even a relationship. A friendship if you will. Well fuck you.

I am done of feeling pointless and like a huge joke to you. You still text for a random hookup and I hope your present girlfriend finds out how much of an asshole you are.

I meant nothing to you and everything you said was a complete lie. You were never serious about me when you told Anthony you were going to ask me out.

The only thing I am thankful for now is that I have no choice, but to get over you.

Once and for all.

Relationship History de Mi

There is so much on my mind that I would be more than glad to write about on here because once again on Xanga everyone I don't want reading this would read it.

Like hugging it out? Well, let's blog it out in that case too.

Relationships. More specifically, my relationships. I thought being with Willson would be everything I'd ever want. He is nice, sweet, charming, funny, thoughtful, texts when he says he will, calls when he says he will, he comes home sometimes, and most of all he has been a very close friend of mine for over four years. I thought I would love this relationship and I don't. :/

I find myself not even appreciating it as much as I should. In other words, I am just simply not feelin' it. I think this might be because we took it from being pretty much best friends to being more than that. Taking things to the next level after being close for years just in general scares me. Commitment scares me to be honest. It didn't until I met Caleb. After Caleb and I that is when my relationship with the opposite sex went downhill completely.

I am a terrible girl, I don't even miss him and he is in Irvine. Will be there for a month and I don't mind that I can not see him for a month or two. If I was whole-heartedly in this relationship then I would want to see him every second I could, but I don't. It scares me how I don't really feel anymore for guys. After Caleb and Trey, I just got teased into things so much that I wondered if anything they ever felt or said was genuine. I genuinely liked them. I know Caleb genuinely loved me at one point in his life, but now I think he is in love with another girl. It still breaks my heart to this day, but I really have no place to say because I had tons of boyfriends and relationships after him while he waited around for me. I am cruel. It is disgusting and I am disgusted with myself at the fact that I will break up with Willson. I can not keep going on in this relationship if I do not have the true feelings he is looking for. I would want to know if I were him in the relationship.

Why can't I have a successful long-term relationship? I just feel like it is hopeless. I know I am young, but I am just thinking of the future. I want what I used to have a year ago. Trust, commitment, love, laughter, honesty, etc. etc. I want him and by him I mean the person I am meant to be with whether I already know him or don't.

I will wait. For now I think I need to remain single until I am for sure ready to settle into a long-term relationship. One worth waiting for that is.

I am just stuck on what to do about Willson now. Fuck. I am horrible...

It's a Non-Binge Choice

I have decided to take on a much healthier approach in achieving my weight goal.

Eating less, but still eating correctly and enough.

Not a diet exactly because well, lets be honest, those don't work the way we want them to. I have been to the gym four times this week and I think I am going to make that a normal routine. Being that it is now Spring break I have no excuses to not go to the gym and work out some excess stress.

I just wanted to see Willson before he went back to Irvine, but that isn't going to happen since his Spring break ended once mine started. Working out takes my mind off of that and makes me realize that this time won't go wrong. I actually like a "good" guy.

Going back to my main point, lately all I want to do is get rid of the 'booty'. Seriously I do not care what people say I am not keeping that on my body any longer, and if it does stay there then it will be in hardcore shape. I have like what, three months before Summer? Three months to fit in that bathing suit and three months to tone everything if not burn off excess fat. That is it. I feel like some days I am extremely skinny or disgustingly huge. Over exaggerating I know, but it is how I feel. My body seems to work against me some days. I mean I dance three times a week. It used to be four times, but UDC stopped after our show in February. Those UDC days were amazing for me because it was an all-day dance workout from 8am-4:30pm. A few breaks in between of course, but we had to maintain a healthy diet or we would get kicked out of the company.

One time a girl came in with fried from Carl's Jr. Worst mistake of her dancing career I am guessing because she was crying for hours after. Janys (Company director) had made her eat the fries, then do a grip of jumping jacks and crunches. She learned her lesson then. I will never bring one piece of food with grease into the studio rehearsal room as long as I live. Especially if I am social chair officer. She would eat me up within excersizes upon excersizes.

What's funny is that people think dancers are just automatically in shape, like Beyonce, Wade Robson, Justin Timberlake. Well fuck that assumption. I know more dancers in the company with cellulite than I do without. That word, 'cellulite,' oh gosh I just want to make it dissappear not just for me, but for every girl in the entire world. How much more self-conscious do we need to be? It is terrible.

I will work it out until it is gone. Competition season is finally here so maybe my fat ass will be gone. Maybe conforming to ballet would just be better, they are fucking twigs. :]

It would go against my rules though. I am a jazz, contemporary, tap, and hip-hop. Everything, BUT ballet. It was just so boringgggg to me, but their leg workouts keep their girls fit.

fml.

Nostaglia

I am not even sure how or what I want my first post to be about, but I figured I would switch from Xanga to here since Eric Reining is on my nuts half the time with Xanga.

There is a topic starter.

Best Friends and Friends Vs. Acquaintances

It might seem like I have a lot of best friends, but the ones that really know me know who my best friends are and it is a select few. I love them dearly.

As for the acquaintance part, well, I honestly think less of a lot of them, which is unfortunate because most of them are great people...until they mess up.

I am starting to realize who I want and don't want in my life. I do miss a lot of them though. I am not going to lie.