Relationship History de Mi

There is so much on my mind that I would be more than glad to write about on here because once again on Xanga everyone I don't want reading this would read it.

Like hugging it out? Well, let's blog it out in that case too.

Relationships. More specifically, my relationships. I thought being with Willson would be everything I'd ever want. He is nice, sweet, charming, funny, thoughtful, texts when he says he will, calls when he says he will, he comes home sometimes, and most of all he has been a very close friend of mine for over four years. I thought I would love this relationship and I don't. :/

I find myself not even appreciating it as much as I should. In other words, I am just simply not feelin' it. I think this might be because we took it from being pretty much best friends to being more than that. Taking things to the next level after being close for years just in general scares me. Commitment scares me to be honest. It didn't until I met Caleb. After Caleb and I that is when my relationship with the opposite sex went downhill completely.

I am a terrible girl, I don't even miss him and he is in Irvine. Will be there for a month and I don't mind that I can not see him for a month or two. If I was whole-heartedly in this relationship then I would want to see him every second I could, but I don't. It scares me how I don't really feel anymore for guys. After Caleb and Trey, I just got teased into things so much that I wondered if anything they ever felt or said was genuine. I genuinely liked them. I know Caleb genuinely loved me at one point in his life, but now I think he is in love with another girl. It still breaks my heart to this day, but I really have no place to say because I had tons of boyfriends and relationships after him while he waited around for me. I am cruel. It is disgusting and I am disgusted with myself at the fact that I will break up with Willson. I can not keep going on in this relationship if I do not have the true feelings he is looking for. I would want to know if I were him in the relationship.

Why can't I have a successful long-term relationship? I just feel like it is hopeless. I know I am young, but I am just thinking of the future. I want what I used to have a year ago. Trust, commitment, love, laughter, honesty, etc. etc. I want him and by him I mean the person I am meant to be with whether I already know him or don't.

I will wait. For now I think I need to remain single until I am for sure ready to settle into a long-term relationship. One worth waiting for that is.

I am just stuck on what to do about Willson now. Fuck. I am horrible...